So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
