the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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