I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
