I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
