you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
