don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
