I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
