no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
