So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
