what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We need to feng shui this bitch.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
