I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
