3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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