my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
