He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
