can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
