what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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