My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
