i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
