I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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