If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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