I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
