I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
