I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
