Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
