masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
