Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
