so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
