in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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