We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
