Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
