i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
