Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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