i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
where am i from again
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
