My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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