Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
