New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
