i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think i have two assholes
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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