last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
