She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
