i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
