The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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