now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We named our party play list daddy issues
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
