Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
