How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
it was like eating out sand paper
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
