opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
