Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
