I need to stop coming to work sober
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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