I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The feeling are messing with the penis
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
