thus making me awesome and them whores
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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