Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
